Self-Bullying, on the surface, is about a person hurting just themselves. Or is it? What I sometimes fail to recognize when I’m in a self-bullying battle is that I’m not the only person that I hurt.
When I talk down to myself, neglect my desires and needs, and push my self-esteem down with all of my might, the people closest to me have an equally difficult, yet different experience as they stand by helplessly, watching me bully myself.
I see the girl that I want to be staring back at me in the mirror, but I also see that reflection in the sad eyes of the people who love me and wish they could permanently expel the bully. I have seen my partner’s face twist in pain as I put down, threaten, and abuse the girl that he loves, right in front of his eyes.
When my inner child finds her way to the surface and begins to comfort me, I immediately apologize profusely to him, but his response is almost always the same, “You’re not mean to me. You’re mean to yourself. Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to yourself.”
Because of “the way I’m wired” as I put it sometimes, unfortunately I often need an extra push to help me help myself. Knowing that someone else is negatively affected by my actions helps me see a different reality outside of my own personal bubble. My goal is to one day be able to change solely for the good of the girl inside… because she deserves it.
Do you see how your self-bulling affects those around you? Or do you tend to self-bully when no one is around? Please feel welcomed to share any thoughts!