A series by Green Mountain alum Jacki Monaco on her journey to overcome binge eating. Follow her every other Thursday as she blogs about the challenges and victories of recovery.
Sometimes I feel like Miss Jekyll and Miss Hyde. In my case I guess we’ll say I’m Miss Jaclyn and Miss Hyper-Sensitive-Over-Emotional-Where’s-The-Pasta-Monaco. It’s exhausting. I can be the happiest girl in the world, smiling over the simplest of thoughts and then – BAM – I have gone from 60 to 0 in a matter of mere moments. Jace (my alter ego) says, “I am strong, I am worthy, I am accomplished, I am important.”
Then Jacki chimes in and counter-spews with, “I am weak. I am pathetic. I am fat. I am disgusting,” and as the pattern goes, Jacki wins more than I’d like, or like to admit to all of you, when my “black hole” pulls me downward.
My “black hole” is what I call a panic attack when the world feels like it’s ending and sucking me into an abyss I’ll never escape. Jace reminds me that it isn’t a permanent feeling and Darla, in the back of my mind, reminds me that, “a feeling is a feeling is a feeling and it requires no action.” Often times I’m just not strong enough not to outwardly react to my feelings so I do the only thing I can in the moment – I cry.
Many women I know, obviously including myself, feel split between the women we try so hard to be and the women we truly feel like deep down in the honest, broken parts of ourselves. I used to comfort and fill this void with food but now it just stays empty until I can muster the energy to fill it with happier thoughts and think of all of the good I actually have: a job, an internship, a roof, loving and supportive parents, and my fairytale boyfriend who does the impossible – loves me for me.
I strive for the day, every day, when I just might feel like my two halves can morph together and coexist. Until that day I do my best with each moment. I’m not sure who I stole this quote from but I wrote it down and have it in a sticky note in my purse (if you’re the writer or know the source, please share!) “I am here to love and to be myself. Those are my terms.” I get choked up at the simplicity and truth of these 13 words. Do they make you feel like that too?
Did this post resonate with you, do you often feel a split between who you are and who you want to be?