The Binge Eating Diaries: Don’t Let Your Swimsuit Sabotage Your Summer


Feel confident in your swimsuit“OMG! Yay! It’s bathing suit season! I can’t wait to sift through racks of unflattering one pieces! I am so looking forward to reaffirming my suspicion that absolutely none of the cute bikinis come in my size! I love spending $80 on something I hate!“ …said no woman ever.

I think bathing suits are miserable inventions. To this day, these uncomfortable, overpriced scraps of Lycra have had way too much power over my summers.

And now that I live in sunny, body-image-obsessed California – beach season isn’t a few weeks long. It’s roughly half the year.

That’s nearly… 182 days of summer! 182 days of sun! 182 days of wondering why every scantily clad girl who walks by me at the beach is exuding more confidence in her hip swing than I’ve felt my entire life.

I know that not every other female feels the way I assume she does… but when my blinders are on – I see what I want, I judge anything and everything, and I silently take out my insecurities on every passerby.

I turn into the person I hate: Queen B of Envy. I have been taken over by the dark side yet again…

Related Article: 5 Tips for Swimsuit Self-Confidence

I can feel my death rays of jealously working harder than the sun to burn anyone who looks halfway decent in their swimwear attire.

Few things make me want to binge as badly as realizing that I still wish I looked like someone else. And that it’s never going to happen. I find myself wanting to sabotage my journey. The jig is up – this is as good as it gets, kid.

But when I finally find the energy to stop ruminating on my own misery, I’m able to switch gears. This isn’t as good as it gets. It’s as good as I make it.

And I’m not satisfied with how I feel yet… so onward march, you fierce and fabulous b*tch, you!

Binge Eating and Body Image

I’m uncomfortably concerned with how I look.

But when you’ve changed shapes and sizes as many times as I have, you never really get a chance to get 100% comfortable in your skin.

During the two years that that I binged multiple times a day, seven days a week – I never saw my body growing. I ignored all signs of weight gain. I didn’t see a size.

I had no room in my brain for numbers or math. I was too busy surviving from one binge to the next.

So, yes I equate binge eating with gaining weight. And naturally, to this day, I get scared sometimes.

I get scared that I’m going to forget to “keep tabs” on myself.

I get scared that I’m going to look in the mirror, subconsciously alter what I see, and then decide that somehow it’s perfectly okay to prance out the front door wearing a white crochet one piece with zero boob support – my love handles waving at my neighbors from the cut outs on both sides. (There’s a visual for you.)

But what the hell is so wrong with being comfortable with that reflection? If what matters is what I see and I how feel – then screw ‘em! Sorry neighborhood, but it’s “me” time.

But wait… if that’s true… how come…

From Self-Hate to Self-Acceptance

Ok, I don’t always think I’m fierce or fabulous … BUT I’ve taken the very long, slow, painful boat ride from self-hate to moderate self-acceptance.

I still haven’t been able to purchase a ticket to “I love myself” island. I’m afraid the girl at the ticket booth, dawning her skimpy two-piece, will laugh at me. “Really? How can YOU love yourself? Have you looked in the mirror lately!? HA!”

Sometimes, in my daydream, I blush and turn away from the girl at the ticket booth, sulking, thinking that she’s right.

Other times, I imagine slapping her across the face, stealing the ticket, and running like hell toward happiness.

The Only Thing That’s Stopping Me… Is Me.

Why the hell don’t I deserve to enjoy my summer?

Because I haven’t let myself.

Every year I get lost in my own reflection and I drown in judgmental comparisons.

So, my bathing suit and my confidence remain in the closet.

Until now…

This Summer I…

It’s mantra time, gals!
This summer, I WILL NOT decline every beach-related event out of fear!

This summer, I WILL NOT sweat through layers of thick, dark, uncomfortable clothing!

Related Article: Look Great in a Bathing Suit
This summer, I WILL NOT jeopardize my happiness by fortunetelling what others are thinking about my body!

This summer, I WILL play in the sand, splash my toes as the tide rolls in, and collect super awesome seashells!

This summer, I WILL feel the sun’s warm kiss on my alabaster skin!

This summer, I WILL smile, laugh, and stop putting my damn life on hold!

Appreciate. Admire. Respect.

I don’t have to love the way my body looks. (That’s a pretty tall order.)

But I do appreciate everything it does for me and everything that it allows me to do.

I do admire its resiliency and strength, even after all the crap I’ve put it through.

I do respect that my body is always on my side, even when I give it the middle finger.

And for all it does, I owe this body a BIG “thank you” in the form of a little bit o’ fun!

This year, let’s show Swimsuits who’s boss.

Until next time,


If this post resonated with you (ex: made you nod your head in agreement, smile, or reflect), please feel welcomed and safe to share your comments below

4 responses to “The Binge Eating Diaries: Don’t Let Your Swimsuit Sabotage Your Summer”

  1. BJ Whittle says:

    I envy you the CA weather! It was 41 degrees outside last night!!

    Whenever I start to feel noisy in my head over the swimsuit issue, I deliberately change my focus to how my body feels in the sunshine, the sound of the waves/gulls, how pretty the color of my suit is and then I can get excited about the fun I will have outside. If I have trouble closing down the mind I focus on a favorite time at the beach as a kid and how it felt.

    I love swimsuits with skirts or shorts (Land’s End and LL Bean have many) as they feel great on and I can move without tugging fabric all the time. I refuse to ever wear black or dark blue suits -ever again. My current one is sunny yellow with pink flowers.

    • Jace says:


      Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I love how you’ve mastered the art of changing your focus. I’m workin’ on it! Your comment is truly empowering and inspiring and I thank you so much for sharing with us today.


  2. @SarahAnneDG says:

    Every summer I tell myself if I just lose xlbs then this will finally be the year I can wear shorts in public. It hasn’t happened yet.

    But I tell you something that helped me recently on honeymoon. Round the pool I spent more time looking at women more like me, or bigger. And it made me feel more positive, not because I judged them as looking worse than me but because it was so inspiring to see that they were confident in themselves. It was a revelation that confidence doesn’t have to come from the size label of your summer wardrobe.

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About the Author

Jacki Monaco

Jacki (or Jace) is a Green Mountain alum that shares experiences with binge eating disorder through "The Binge Eating Diaries” series. Follow Jacki as she shares the discoveries she’s made on her journey to health and happiness.

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