I Really Thought I Was About To Binge
Thursday July 24, 2014 – 6:35 PM
I’m standing in front of the donut shelves at a grocery store. Right now. I’m typing this on my phone.
Thursday July 24, 2014 – 9:30 PM
That’s when I got a call. I’m home now. And my head is much clearer than it was three hours ago.
But the 60 seconds before my phone rang felt like they were going to last forever…
But it wasn’t easy – I was feigning. I wanted to numb myself in a coating of sweet pink sprinkles and drown my emotions in a swirl of glaze and chocolate.
In between the soft curves of one of my oldest, most reliable binging foods – I could see the shadow of my reflection in the glass case staring back at me.
My past, my present, and my two potential futures blended together.
I was aware enough to know that I had a choice – I could react, say goodbye to reality, and succumb to my urge.
Or I could choose ME.
Today, I was able to walk away from a temptation that once had an indescribable power over me. Food used to be my king, my queen, my government, my religion, my passion… and my one true love.
Most of the blogs I write are carefully calculated. I try to share my stories with you using perfect grammar and a flowing structure.
But today I wanted to start sharing my moment as it was happening – as I was literally standing there, staring down my fears and proving to myself that I am stronger that even I knew.
These are the raw feelings and reflections I needed to start typing about – as soon as my fingers hit this keyboard. Because 6:35 PM was a truly defining moment for me.
Especially considering the fact that I am rarely proud of myself. Confidence has always been incredibly hard for me to achieve and I tend to keep myself tucked away in a cocoon of self-doubt.
From the bullying I experienced as a child to the perfection I tried to achieve both academically and physically throughout high school to my very first binge in college – I have always had a hard time believing in myself.
Because today – I did something incredible. I had no witnesses. I wasn’t putting on a show. There was no one to impress.
It was me, a few dozen donuts, and one big decision that I – and I alone – had to make.
The verdict? Jace 1. Donuts 0.
The prize? A new notch of confidence, a wave of happiness, and the reaffirmation that food is no longer my only answer during a spell of uncertainty or anxiety.
Today’s In-The-Moment Strategy:
I took out my phone and started typing. I pulled myself away from my cycling thoughts and reconnected myself with what I know best – words.
Next time you’re having a showdown with your moment of truth, try to transition your thoughts before you have time to emotionally react to your desire.
Step outside of your body, hold out your hand to yourself, and guide your mind to a safer, happier place.
This may sound poetic but when I reflect on my moment of truth earlier today, I can actually see myself accepting guidance from the one person I’m usually quick to ignore – myself.
I can hear myself saying… NOT today.
And for this I am proud.
I am grateful for this day.
See you next time,