The Binge Eating Diaries: The Moment of Truth


I Really Thought I Was About To Binge

Binge Eating Diaries going to bingeThursday July 24, 2014 – 6:35 PM

I’m standing in front of the donut shelves at a grocery store. Right now. I’m typing this on my phone.

Thursday July 24, 2014 – 9:30 PM

That’s when I got a call. I’m home now. And my head is much clearer than it was three hours ago.

But the 60 seconds before my phone rang felt like they were going to last forever…

I didn’t do it. But for the first time in such a long time I really thought I was about to binge.

NOT today.

But it wasn’t easy – I was feigning. I wanted to numb myself in a coating of sweet pink sprinkles and drown my emotions in a swirl of glaze and chocolate.

In between the soft curves of one of my oldest, most reliable binging foods – I could see the shadow of my reflection in the glass case staring back at me.

My past, my present, and my two potential futures blended together.

I was aware enough to know that I had a choice – I could react, say goodbye to reality, and succumb to my urge.

Or I could choose ME.

Today, I was able to walk away from a temptation that once had an indescribable power over me. Food used to be my king, my queen, my government, my religion, my passion… and my one true love.

NOT today.

Most of the blogs I write are carefully calculated. I try to share my stories with you using perfect grammar and a flowing structure.

But today I wanted to start sharing my moment as it was happening – as I was literally standing there, staring down my fears and proving to myself that I am stronger that even I knew.

These are the raw feelings and reflections I needed to start typing about – as soon as my fingers hit this keyboard. Because 6:35 PM was a truly defining moment for me.

Especially considering the fact that I am rarely proud of myself. Confidence has always been incredibly hard for me to achieve and I tend to keep myself tucked away in a cocoon of self-doubt.

From the bullying I experienced as a child to the perfection I tried to achieve both academically and physically throughout high school to my very first binge in college – I have always had a hard time believing in myself.

NOT today.

Because today – I did something incredible. I had no witnesses. I wasn’t putting on a show. There was no one to impress.

It was me, a few dozen donuts, and one big decision that I – and I alone – had to make.

The verdict? Jace 1. Donuts 0.

The prize? A new notch of confidence, a wave of happiness, and the reaffirmation that food is no longer my only answer during a spell of uncertainty or anxiety.

Today’s In-The-Moment Strategy:

I took out my phone and started typing. I pulled myself away from my cycling thoughts and reconnected myself with what I know best – words.

Next time you’re having a showdown with your moment of truth, try to transition your thoughts before you have time to emotionally react to your desire.

Step outside of your body, hold out your hand to yourself, and guide your mind to a safer, happier place.

This may sound poetic but when I reflect on my moment of truth earlier today, I can actually see myself accepting guidance from the one person I’m usually quick to ignore – myself.

I can hear myself saying… NOT today.

And for this I am proud.

I am grateful for this day.

See you next time,


12 responses to “The Binge Eating Diaries: The Moment of Truth”

  1. Louise says:

    This similar almost binge happened to me today in a grocery store. I really was craving Nutty Buddies with peanut butter or chocolate or whatever worked. I picked up the bag and decided fairly quickly that it wouldn’t be worth it and it would pass.
    Yes, it passed and I could care less now at home.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing your soul in the heat of the moment! You inspire me to make a different choice!

    • jackimonaco says:

      Thank you so much for commenting! Your words truly made me smile and have inspired me right back! Inspiring one another is what these blogs are all about 🙂

      Thank you!


  3. Frankie says:

    Its a relief to know others face the same craze of emotions with food, and that it is possible to make the right decision. I find every time I choose food over taking care of myself, I devalue my self worth and it makes it even harder to resist when the next craving comes along. I love the phrase “I could succumb or I could choose me” as it is in this split second decision that I have set this concrete default/ or habit for eating regardless. I’ve been working so hard to crack this concrete habit, and finally win one day! Your blog is so easy to relate to and refreshing, so thank you!

    • jackimonaco says:


      Thank you so much for commenting, sharing your story, and for such a wonderful compliment. I, too, love one of your phrases – “crack this concrete habit” that completely resonates with me! I love the way those words sound together – you can feel them when you read them! It really does feel like concrete sometimes. Here’s to baby steps toward winning… for ourselves!

      Thank you again,

  4. Jacqueline Leo says:

    I know it’s been a long while since you posted this, but I managed to come across this at such a perfect moment in my life. Everyday is a struggle for me when it comes to deciding between me or food. Most recently I’ve been choosing food because in that chaotic moment it seems like the only real solution, but after reading your blog tomorrow and every other day after that I’m going to pick ME! ???? Absolutely loved reading this!

    • Jace says:

      Jacqueline Leo,

      Thank you so much for reading this post and for commenting. I’m so glad that this resonated with you! Cheers to choosing US!


  5. Zeenat Wahid says:

    I can relate to this so well. Amazing, inspirational….the eye opener that I needed to change my life.

    • Jace says:


      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on this post and to share those kind words. I’m so glad that it resonated with you. Please come back to this blog any time you’re looking for support. It’s always here for you.


  6. Kathl says:

    This touched me on a very emotional level.
    (Also you write very well)

    • Jace says:

      Hi Kathl,

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I’m so glad to hear that this post resonated with you. Re-reading it myself, I, too feel a tornado of emotions! And thank you so much for the lovely compliment!


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About the Author

Jacki Monaco

Jacki (or Jace) is a Green Mountain alum that shares experiences with binge eating disorder through "The Binge Eating Diaries” series. Follow Jacki as she shares the discoveries she’s made on her journey to health and happiness.

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