For the longest time I thought that most people treated themselves the way that I used to, and unfortunately sometimes still do treat myself. I was confused between “being hard on myself” in order to better the concept of “me” and bullying myself.
When I think of the word “bully” I think of a playground, middle school, wedgies, practical jokes, and lunch money thieves. While I don’t give myself wedgies or steal my own things, I’ve been known to judge myself and consequentially stunt my own growth through words, actions, and lack of certain actions. In other words, I’m a self bully.
While weight and size do not, and should not, determine one’s overall happiness, I was admittedly my unhappiest at my heaviest. Yes, because I was uncomfortable in my own body, but also because of how I was treating this poor girl who had been through such an incredibly difficult time.
How could I be happy when my own shadow was my biggest bully? I was literally living inside of the enemy. I would never treat someone else the way I treated “me,” but somehow I was the exception to the golden rule – and if I didn’t have something nice to say, I said all the bad things instead. You’re fat, You’re ugly. You’re worthless. Look at yourself, how do you even leave the house? How could anyone ever love YOU after what you’ve become?
I’ve come along way but I’m still trying to shake that bully for good. She’s been a part of me for so long, that she’s built a barrier around my heart – making it difficult for me to find some love for myself.
Next time, I’ll share with you some of the physical self-bullying that I have endured down the road to recovery. Until then, remember that while bullying yourself can feel more comfortable than loving yourself, you have done nothing to deserve how you’re treating the wonderful person inside of you. First we must forgive ourselves …and then we can tackle the rest.