The following post originally appeared on the Health at Every Size® (HAES) blog, which is owned and operated by the Association for Size Diversity and Health (ASDAH). ASDAH is an international organization that works tirelessly to promote a new “peace movement” — one that measures health by many factors, including the right to be peaceful in your body. ASDAH is the creator of the HAES principles. The author of this post is Lisa Ann Citarella who, we are proud to say, attended Green Mountain during her journey to a better place with — using her words — her body, mind and soul.
Body Shame and Binging Starting in Childhood
I wrote this poem when I was 15, after a particularly devastating shopping trip with my mother. Reading it now, my heart breaks for my younger self—for the one who had to live with comments like, “you can’t be hungry now, you just ate” and questions such as, “are you sure you need that second helping?”
At age 8, I started hiding my Halloween candy and eating it under the covers at midnight.
At 10, I was so focused on my friend’s dessert that I stole it from her lunch bag—almost ending the friendship.
By 12, I was regularly binging on whatever I could get my hands on, bringing the wrappers to school to dispose of them in secret.
My disordered eating exploded when I turned 16. Getting my driver’s license provided the “freedom” to obtain junk food and to hide the evidence.
These behaviors only got worse as I moved to college and then to my own apartment. Freedom meant being out of control.
My Disordered Eating: Becoming Disconnected With My Body
My disordered eating had several roots. I had no idea how to cope with my feelings, and therefore I ate them away. I bought into society’s idea of “beautiful,” and felt that if I could not meet that standard, I had no value. Most influential was the fact that, growing up in my house, I learned to ignore my body’s signals—to disconnect and live entirely in my head.
My pediatrician did nothing to combat the messages I was receiving at home. At every appointment he took the opportunity to remind me that I was overweight. He ignored the fact that I was active (I participated in soccer, softball, and gymnastics) and generally healthy, choosing instead to focus on the dot on the height/weight chart. These experiences taught me that doctor appointments were embarrassing necessities to be endured—a belief I struggle with to this day.
Redefining My Concepts of Beauty
My journey down this road was not without some resistance. I consider myself a feminist, and struggled with what I saw as the hypocrisy of using my weight to define my worth. I attempted to find plus-size role models and to redefine my concepts of beauty. Unfortunately, my efforts were ineffective against the constant barrage of pop culture images proclaiming, “Skinny=Beautiful, Skinny=Healthy, Skinny=Self-Worth.”
Weight Does Not Define My Self-Worth Or Health
The past 5 years have seen a slow dismantling of these beliefs. I am working to revise my ideas of beauty and health, and to find a home inside my own body. I have had many supporters in this process. Rather than ignoring my various physical ailments, I have been making doctors’ appointments to address them. Importantly, I am being honest with the doctors—seeing them as partners in health rather than a source of ridicule. In so doing, I have begun to find other measures of health than weight. Although I am currently close to my heaviest weight, my cholesterol and blood sugar levels have never been better. After all, the height/weight charts that doctors use were developed by life insurance companies—weight has never been a scientifically supported measure of health.
Recognizing Diets As A Setup for Failure
Redefining Healthy Eating
This process has included an expansion of my definition of “normal” eating. I now understand that “normal” takes into account sweets and comfort food, as well as salads. My therapist has been instrumental in this process, supporting every small change that brings me closer to my goals.
Reconnecting With My Body Renewed My Sense Of Joy
Although I was an active child, somewhere along the way exercise became a tool for desperately trying to counteract the effects of my binges. A recent stay at Green Mountain at Fox Run, a woman’s wellness retreat in Ludlow, VT, has reconnected me with the pure joy experienced in moving my body. I’ve remembered that exercise can be fun. I have started walking, doing yoga, and swimming—not because they burn calories, but because they feel good.
Size Acceptance: Embracing A Holistic Definition Of Wellness
For the first time in my life, I am able to believe that health, happiness, and self-worth depend on more than a number on the scale. Now, freedom means finding joy in my body, mind, and soul.
Lisa Ann Citarella was born in a small town in Pennsylvania, but always wanted to live in New England. She has her B.A. in psychology and philosophy from Connecticut College and is currently working on her M.S. in mental health counseling. Lisa lives in Vermont and works in the social services. When she’s not working or in school, she loves being outdoors and creative arts.
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