The Binge Eating Diaries is a monthly column by Green Mountain alum Jacki Monaco on surviving and thriving with Binge Eating Disorder.
It’s been quite the month, ladies and gentlemen. I’ve been to Las Vegas to visit my parents, taken my first trip to Disneyland, and attended a dear friend’s wedding (oh, and then there was that whole Halloween thing).
What did all of my adventures have in common? I’m sure you guessed it – fantastic food temptations:
- “What would Vegas be without a buffet?”
- “How could one attend Mickey’s Halloween Party and not Trick or Treat?”
- “Is a wedding even a wedding without champagne and cake?”
Needless to say, I have overindulged, and in the process, I have received countless “thank yous” from each individual taste bud and hatred from my stomach (in many a lovely form).
As I write this, I’m detoxing from wedding delicacies (prepare yourself for a list of the foods you hate to love): warm rolls, REAL full-fat butter, bubbly champagne and smooth wine, fresh salmon (covered in a glorious cream sauce), mouthwatering mashed potatoes, sickeningly sweet cappuccino, and of course, CAKE (which requires no adjective…it’s CAKE.) Full disclosure: There were also some chips, spring rolls, and candy in my possession.
I turned off my intuition, closed my book of knowledge, and dialed down that little voice in the back of my head (and big noises in the bottom of my stomach), pleading, “Don’t do it, Jace. Don’t you dare.”
Now, in hindsight, I could easily regret every bite, punish myself for every second helping, and judge myself for every non-nutritional choice, but every time I start (because I do start to regret, punish, and judge, like a good portion of you reading this right now probably do), I pluck a mantra from my goodie bag and run with it:
- You are okay.
- You had FUN.
- There’s no turning back, just moving forward.
- You made a choice and that is OKAY.
- Beating yourself up now isn’t going to delete a single calorie, etc., etc., etc.
We are okay. All of us. Each time we make a choice to indulge, we are enjoying a moment of our lives. One of my biggest goals since leaving Green Mountain has been to find other activities and adventures to overindulge in that don’t revolve around food, but “FOOD happens.” It’s life.
And I’m trying hard each and every day not to waste the next 24 hours, after a delicious “oops”, obsessing over my decisions. THAT is what hurts me the most – wasting my hard-earned energy by beating up my hard-working mind over an easy, happy moment.
Most days, I kick ass with my kale, carrots, and cashews (because these foods taste great and actually make me feel great, too), but with a mouth full of sweet and salty teeth, I’ve decided (since an earlier blog post) to not just live to eat or just eat to live…but just plain old live (and either way, there will be some eating involved!).