Since coming to Green Mountain two years ago, I have given myself permission to eat. A taste of anything and everything here and there, beautifully wrapped in “normal” portions and topped off with zero guilt. But now my binge eater’s brain is being challenged once again.
For the past couple of months my stomach has not been working properly. Let’s throw some humor into the mess – so WARNING! Too much information to follow, ladies and gentlemen.
As a recovering binge eater, I’ve shared my deepest bingeing thoughts and darkest moments, so I feel no need to hide the gruesome details of my latest body challenge with you.
I am constipated. All the time. I don’t mean “Woe is me, it’s been a day and half.” I’m talking about, “You’ve got to be kidding me – it’s been four days and no one is getting off this ship anytime soon.”
Then let’s throw in some nasty cramps (a type of pain that makes me question if I have a stomach or a punching bag in my midsection), tornadoes of gas and embarrassment, heart burn that no dissolvable tablet could conquer, and 24/7 bloating as if I might give birth any day… to a bowling ball.
How’s that for a visual my friends? As a recovering binge eater, I’ve shared my deepest bingeing thoughts and darkest moments, so I feel no need to hide the gruesome details of my latest body challenge with you. And I thank you for that.
So, here I am… still on a journey of learning how to manage health and food fun and I’m being punished, or at least that’s what it feels like. After 8 hours of swallowing chalky liquids, countless X-rays, and 22 hours of fasting, the gastroenterology department told me, “Hey, you’re young! You’re fine! You just have sluggish bowels!” Oh, hey thanks for that, Doc. I feel so much better now that you’ve reassured me of my age and given me absolutely no answers. Glad we had this chat. Oh, and that I paid you. For NOTHING.
Since I’ve been on an awkward “diet” of less gluten, less soy, less dairy, less FUN, my bingeing brain has been roaring.
I share this with you as another challenge that is completely intertwined with my bingeing thoughts. Since I’ve been on an awkward “diet” of less gluten, less soy, less dairy, less FUN, my bingeing brain has been roaring. It’s been a daily struggle, searching for the answers to my physical pain while taking care of my mental frustration. I’ve even had moments of “Did I do this to myself during my bingeing days? Did I ruin my belly for good?” (Signs point to “no,” but my guilt has pointed to maybe more than once…).
Deprivation has never been a buddy to a binge eater, but I’m trying to seek out the silver linings where I can. I’m learning more about nutrition that I ever have before and I’m trying foods that never much appealed to any of my senses (cashews are AWESOME).
I’m also getting stronger mentally and physically with each new challenge I must face. Does this suck? Abso-freakin-lutely. But will I come out on the other side with new knowledge and a better understanding of my body and my mind? You betcha I will.
If you too struggle with other health issues along with any type of eating disorder then just know that you are not alone. Don’t settle for answers that aren’t actual answers, don’t go back to the same doctor if you feel that he/she isn’t on your side, and don’t rule out some seemingly nutty paths to health.
Next on my plate? Digestive enzymes, a liver cleanse, and gut bacteria killing fun! Until next time, I thank you for giving me a safe place to share my stories and I hope that you get a giggle and a sense of community out of this post in particular.