Self-Bullying Isn’t Just About Us

By Jacki Monaco on 05/09/2013
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jacki blogSelf-Bullying, on the surface, is about a person hurting just themselves. Or is it? What I sometimes fail to recognize when I’m in a self-bullying battle is that I’m not the only person that I hurt.

When I talk down to myself, neglect my desires and needs, and push my self-esteem down with all of my might, the people closest to me have an equally difficult, yet different experience as they stand by helplessly, watching me bully myself.

I see the girl that I want to be staring back at me in the mirror, but I also see that reflection in the sad eyes of the people who love me and wish they could permanently expel the bully. I have seen my partner’s face twist in pain as I put down, threaten, and abuse the girl that he loves, right in front of his eyes.

When my inner child finds her way to the surface and begins to comfort me, I immediately apologize profusely to him, but his response is almost always the same, You’re not mean to me. You’re mean to yourself. Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to yourself.”

Because of “the way I’m wired” as I put it sometimes, unfortunately I often need an extra push to help me help myself. Knowing that someone else is negatively affected by my actions helps me see a different reality outside of my own personal bubble. My goal is to one day be able  to change solely for the good of the girl inside… because she deserves it.

Do you see how your self-bulling affects those around you? Or do you tend to self-bully when no one is around? Please feel welcomed to share any thoughts!

2 Responses (Add Yours)

  • Deb says:

    Something I’ve noticed is that self-bullying (or even just negative talk) can be catching. On a few occasions I’ve done the usual self-deprecating thing and talked myself down to others. Sadly they sometimes latch onto that and expect the worst / think badly. I was just remembering a corporate volleyball comp last year. It was a social thing, so very casual, but I felt self-conscious so raved on about how I had no idea how to play and was going to be crap (I was unfit etc). I spent much of the day then feeling resentful of one of my team members being very patronising and treating my like an imbecile. My own doing – obviously.

    • Jace says:

      Deb, Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s somehow so easy for us to harp on the negative and so frustratingly difficult to either complement our positive traits or even keep a neutral perspective about ourselves. Way to put yourself in a social and active situation that you weren’t completely comfort in…that’s a huge step! I went to an art class the other night and got nervous even before I entered the room that I wouldn’t be good enough and that I was “so important” that everyone would take the time to make fun of me personally. And you know what happened? I had fun and received smiles, not negativity. Here’s to us practicing some self-love! Thank you again Deb. :-)

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