A series by Green Mountain alum Jacki Monaco on her journey to overcome binge eating. Follow her every other Thursday as she blogs about the victories and challenges of recovery.
First and foremost – Happy Holidays to every brave person who comes to this site, finds this blog, and feels the honesty with which every Green Mountain Blogger writes. Also, I’d like to wish a Happy Holiday to my fellow writers, for sharing with me, and our readers, your guidance, stories and time.
Now, onto New Years and its relentless resolutions. Admittedly, I am the following: anxiety-ridden, always a little nervous about four steps ahead, confused about the concepts of trust and self-love, and still enamored by the idea of food.
Every year on January 1st I am given the option, just like the rest of the world, to make a resolution… or “fix” these less than perfect parts of myself. I’ve tried making the list and sticking to the “plan,” but it’s just not for me.
A scroll of goals I’m not sure I can achieve or promises I’m not convinced I won’t break are not positive tools for my personality. As an all-or-nothing thinker, New Year’s resolutions either push me down the hill of failure or up the hill of success… and then over into obsession.
This year, for me, my resolution is not to have one. I’ve decided not to limit myself to words on paper, or grandiose intentions that fall out of my mouth… thanks to an overdose of Holiday spirit…and spirits.
This year, I want to grow a little more, try a little harder, and be a little better, without a list of resolutions judging my success. I always have desires and goals in the back of my head fighting for the spotlight: my mind begs for more calm, my body craves more activity, and my friendship with food tries to pull me in all sorts of directions. But the only promise I will make for myself this year is that I will try.
I will try harder than yesterday and the months before,
To have a conversation with the stress that knocks at my door.
I won’t block out the reasons, or try to ignore,
When my mind, body and soul are asking for something more.
I will love myself harder and keep love in store,
And to food, I will love you, but I vow to love me more.