The Binge Eating Diaries: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

By Jacki Monaco
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This blog is about my journey. A journey that I’m sharing in hopes that what I’ve gone through with binge eating will give all of you some comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. We can make our individual changes and achieve our personal goals… together.

I’ve been proactive with my campaign that changes are indeed possible — Just Look At Me! Well, lately I’ve been feeling a little more Don’t Look At Me, I BEG You!” I’ve just finished a three-month internship during which I was working part time at my minimum wage retail job. The combination of two stressful, non-well paying (or not paying at all) jobs got the better of me and I put the internship first, my relationship second, and put my own needs at the bottom of the list in the Tend To When There Is Time section.

I can feel that I’ve gained a little weight because of this. And when you’ve been losing weight for a while there is an underlying need of sorts never to notice a gain, “How could I possibly go backwards after everything I’ve been through?”

Here’s the answer: Life is not easy and although food may be the biggest challenge for some of us, it will never be the only challenge we face daily. “Life is complicated” is not at excuse for laziness in the self-love department, but it is a reason.

I need to be proud of the thing I overlook daily while I’m busy beating myself up over the other things: I am not bingeing. I may be overeating, and as I talked about in my last post, there is a difference. I might be enjoying my food a little too much, and making excuses not to work out as often as I should, but I have not succumbed to the calling of the binge.


Sometimes, I feel pangs of guilt for writing this blog when I feel down about myself. My “Shame To Maintain” overwhelms me and I wonder “Who am I to spread the word when I can’t even follow it?” But the truth is that this blog is about bingeing as much as it is about life. I promise to be blatantly honest about both with you, even if that means that you see that once that binge eating can be overcome, there are still plenty of food, weight, and exercise hills to climb. What I hope you find comforting in my brutal honesty is that I am okay.

Putting all of my energy into my internship has earned me my first “big girl job” and some much needed mental confidence. Now, knowing that I can feel a little more secure in that arena, I can focus more on my physical happiness again.

I am okay because even though a few pounds have snuck back onto my hips, I was able to put the exercising of my mind before the obsession of my body for three months.

I am okay because no matter what I weigh, I matter, mostly importantly I matter to myself.

I am okay because tomorrow doesn’t have to mimic yesterday or the week before, not in terms of “It’s a new day, let’s restart our diet” but “Hey, I’m going to do just little better than yesterday.”

I am okay because I. Am. Just. Human. And although at times I may be too much, I am me…and that is enough.

I would really like to hear how you know you are okay, even when you feel like you’ve taken one step backward in your journey.

5 Responses (Add Yours)

  • Marsha says:

    Sooo good to hear how you are helping yourself through a tough time, Jacki! Ultimately, as you’ve so eloquently said, it’s not about our weight at all but about how we feel. And when we take that message to heart day after day, we can end up in a good place, the place that’s right for us.

    As a 30+-year in-recovery-from-an-eating-disorder woman, I can truly say that I don’t really think in terms of taking steps backwards anymore. I’m just where I am, and when it doesn’t feel like a good place, I think about what can help me get back to a good place and focus on making that happen. Again, as you so eloquently said, that is enough.

    Thanks for your beautiful posts, Jacki. Your voice is so appreciated.

  • Deborah says:

    I struggle with this, but I’d say, “I am okay, because I’m doing to best I currently can.”

  • Jace says:

    Marsha- Thank you so much for commenting. I love how you wrote this, and I too hope to be at this point someday soon, ” I can truly say that I don’t really think in terms of taking steps backwards anymore. I’m just where I am, and when it doesn’t feel like a good place, I think about what can help me get back to a good place and focus on making that happen.” What a beautiful step to climb and a place to be.

    Deborah- Thank you so much for sharing that with me and other readers. Such a simple and true statement, as were mine. We are human and I know personally, I need to stop comparing MY best to what other people have decided SHOULD BE my best. My best is not up for anyone else to decide. Great affirmation. Thank you <3

  • Your last statement in your list:
    I am okay because I. Am. Just. Human. And although at times I may be too much, I am me…and that is enough.

    Mine is: I. just. feel That is when I know I am okay. Because I feel it and I am not checking out or running.

  • Jace says:

    I love that Jules. Thank you so much for sharing. It FEELS good to feel doesn’t it? I stuffed my feelings underneath food for so long that now I appreciate all feelings, even the bad ones, because all feelings have their meanings. <3

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