The Binge Eating Diaries: My Inner Battles

By Jacki Monaco on 08/16/2012
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A series by Green Mountain alum Jacki Monaco on her journey to overcome binge eating. Follow her every other Thursday as she blogs about the challenges and victories of recovery.
Sometimes I feel like Miss Jekyll and Miss Hyde. In my case I guess we’ll say I’m Miss Jaclyn and Miss Hyper-Sensitive-Over-Emotional-Where’s-The-Pasta-Monaco. It’s exhausting. I can be the happiest girl in the world, smiling over the simplest of thoughts and then – BAM – I have gone from 60 to 0 in a matter of mere moments. Jace (my alter ego) says, “I am strong, I am worthy, I am accomplished, I am important.” Then Jacki chimes in and counter-spews with, “I am weak. I am pathetic. I am fat. I am disgusting,” and as the pattern goes, Jacki wins more than I’d like, or like to admit to all of you, when my “black hole” pulls me downward.

My “black hole” is what I call a panic attack when the world feels like it’s ending and sucking me into an abyss I’ll never escape. Jace reminds me that it isn’t a permanent feeling and Darla, in the back of my mind, reminds me that, a feeling is a feeling is a feeling and it requires no action.” Often times I’m just not strong enough not to outwardly react to my feelings so I do the only thing I can in the moment – I cry.

Many women I know, obviously including myself, feel split between the women we try so hard to be and the women we truly feel like deep down in the honest, broken parts of ourselves. I used to comfort and fill this void with food but now it just stays empty until I can muster the energy to fill it with happier thoughts and think of all of the good I actually have: a job, an internship, a roof, loving and supportive parents, and my fairytale boyfriend who does the impossible – loves me for me.

I strive for the day, every day, when I just might feel like my two halves can morph together and coexist. Until that day I do my best with each moment. I’m not sure who I stole this quote from but I wrote it down and have it in a sticky note in my purse (if you’re the writer or know the source, please share!) “I am here to love and to be myself. Those are my terms.” I get choked up at the simplicity and truth of these 13 words. Do they make you feel like that too?

Did this post resonate with you, do you often feel a split between who you are and who you want to be? 

7 Responses (Add Yours)

  • I totally resonate with this and love the way you’ve expressed it and are working with this phenomenon. My inner bitch is called Cruella, my healthy persona is Glinda the Good Witch and I am amalgam of them and me and my upbringing etc. As we all are. I am also a coach and I know that the way you’re working to integrate and accept these parts of yourself has you firmly on the road to success. Please check out my blog on my website to hear a sister’s song – even if this sister could probably be your grandmother! Thanks for sharing.

  • Ryan says:

    Jacki, I love reading your blog because I relate to you so much. I also feel like I have conflicting thoughts and feelings, and I don’t always think/act like the person I want to be. I want to be confident and not be affected by the opinions of others (or even just my perception of what other people might be thinking). I want to stop feeling self conscious, undeserving, or out of place in the world. Yet that self loathing part of myself always hold me back from being the person I want to be. It’s a work in progress, but I definitely struggle a lot with this.

  • Jace says:

    Susie- Thank you so much for reading and writing. Thank you so much for the compliment. I love that you have your alters too! It makes it easy to try and talk about to others, although I do get some funky looks now and again….haha. I will definitely check it out! THanks Susie :-)

    Ryan- Thank you so much for continuing to read my blog Ryan! It sounds like we have a lot in common. I also want to be confident and truly love myself, on the outside as well as the inside. I know self-loathing very well and I try each and every day to break a little further away from the hatred I have felt toward myself for so long for gaining weight and choosing to love food more than myself. Some days I feel like I have made so many strides…and other days? I feel I have failed. I hope through this outlet we can both feel like someone else relates to the good and the bad, never with judgment. THank you Ryan.

  • Alexander says:

    Jace, your words continue to fill a gap between inner demons and reality. You verbalize the feelings that are there on the outside, but don’t necessarily translate to every day living. Im glad your boyfriend is one of those people who can love you for how your spirits mesh together, rather than if you can fit in a size 2 or not. Keep up the blogs because Im sure they touch more people than you know, starting with this guy.

  • Deb says:

    Oh absolutely. In my blog I talk about my inner critic or the sane me or obsessive me.

    I can most definitely relate.

    Deb

  • Angela says:

    Thank you, you put in words exactly what I’ve been feeling lately.

  • Jace says:

    Alexander- Thank you for writing. I will absolutely continue to write for myself and for others and I do hope you continue reading and commenting!

    Deb- I will definitely check it out!

    Angela- I’m so glad we could relate on this. It’s such a complex thing to speak about without sound like we have multiple personalities! But there can be such an intense pull some days between the different parts of ourselves. Thank you so much for commenting. I hope at least you know that you are not alone Angela.

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