My “black hole” is what I call a panic attack when the world feels like it’s ending and sucking me into an abyss I’ll never escape. Jace reminds me that it isn’t a permanent feeling and Darla, in the back of my mind, reminds me that, “a feeling is a feeling is a feeling and it requires no action.” Often times I’m just not strong enough not to outwardly react to my feelings so I do the only thing I can in the moment – I cry.
Many women I know, obviously including myself, feel split between the women we try so hard to be and the women we truly feel like deep down in the honest, broken parts of ourselves. I used to comfort and fill this void with food but now it just stays empty until I can muster the energy to fill it with happier thoughts and think of all of the good I actually have: a job, an internship, a roof, loving and supportive parents, and my fairytale boyfriend who does the impossible – loves me for me.
I strive for the day, every day, when I just might feel like my two halves can morph together and coexist. Until that day I do my best with each moment. I’m not sure who I stole this quote from but I wrote it down and have it in a sticky note in my purse (if you’re the writer or know the source, please share!) “I am here to love and to be myself. Those are my terms.” I get choked up at the simplicity and truth of these 13 words. Do they make you feel like that too?
Did this post resonate with you, do you often feel a split between who you are and who you want to be?